


I will run and I'll be OK

by Dokuhan



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Men Crying, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24514531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dokuhan/pseuds/Dokuhan
Summary: Sometimes, the memories come to Hideo when he lest expects them.Spoiler warning for Hideo's SideMemories!!!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	I will run and I'll be OK

Hideo wakes up to the sensation of feeling like he’s choking. He can hear himself gasping for air, but no matter what he does, it’s like none of it is getting into his lungs. It makes him dizzy, like the world is spinning in hyperdrive, and the idea of sitting up makes him want to vomit. Above him, in the dark, he can see two figures standing over him and saying things – but their voices are muffled in his ears. In desperation he tries to reach up, to either push them away or reach out for help, he’s not exactly sure yet. His arms don’t move, as if they’ve turned into solid lead.

“Hideo-san!” One of the voices finally breaks through, and he immediately recognizes it as Ryu. Hideo feels Ryu grab onto his hand, squeezing it tightly. Ryu’s voice becomes clearer with each word, and sounds wrought with concern. “Seiji-san! He’s not breathing, get help!”

Something about the physical contact manages to snap his mind back into full attention, and Hideo lets out a gasping breath. He shoots up right, hyperventilating as he tries to wave his free hand at Seiji. He can’t get the words out, trying to let them know that he doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, but they won’t come and it’s making him breathe harder.

Almost as if he can read Hideo’s mind, Shingen grabs his free hand and squeezes it harder than Ryu. “Hideo,” he says, but directs his attention to Ryu. “Breathe with us, okay?”

Hideo nods, inhaling as Shingen and Ryu do, holding his breath, and then exhaling in rhythm. Slowly but surely, his senses start to come back. The room is still dark, but his eyes manage to adjust to it and he can finally see his friends’ faces. He inhales another breath with them, and when he exhales it comes out as a choked sob. His shoulders shake and even though he wants to hold back, he still feels tears spilling out of his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he manages, even though his voice is cracking and wobbling.

Shingen shushes him and lets go of his hand long enough to grab a box of tissues from the nightstand. Normally when they stay in hotels for work, they stay in separate rooms. This is the first time they’re staying in one together. “You were crying in your sleep, and then when we tried to check on you, you started flipping out. Did you have a nightmare?” Shingen pulls out some of the tissues, handing them over to Hideo.

He ducks his head, trying to preserve whatever dignity he has left as he dabs at his eyes. “Sort of…”

Ryu keeps a firm grip on his hand, rubbing his thumb over Hideo’s knuckles. “That was scary, I thought you were going to die or something.”

“Yeah, me too…” Hideo sniffles, despite his best efforts. “I’m sorry, I probably look so dumb right now. This doesn’t happen a lot, really. I’m not this pathetic.”

“Hideo-san, don’t apologize. We just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“You’ve been acting off most of today, anyhow.” Shingen takes the tissues from Hideo, completely unbothered by how gross and wet they are. “You know, if you need to talk about something, we’re here for you.”

The concern is enough to make Hideo’s throat tighten up again and he curls his legs up close to his body. In his heart, he wants to tell them. He wants to explain every feeling he had to push down that day and how the bad memories rush at him sometimes. The worst part of it is, is that he hasn’t even thought about the incident in months. He’s been too busy with work and friends, that the dark thoughts don’t have any space to even creep up when he’s alone. In some ways, he thought he was finally past it.

But then this job had come up. The same one that had the three of them crammed in a tiny hotel room in some dying small town out the outskirts of Saitama – where film permits were cheap and the local government was excited for any kind of promotion.

It was supposed to be simple: a series of short informational videos for children, covering various safety topics. They were all simple, common sense things like what to do if you see a fire, crossing the street, who to ask for help if you’re lost, and stranger danger.

A cold chill ran down his spine.

Who was going to tell these kids that sometimes, even if you follow the rules to a T, it didn’t really matter? How sometimes you can scream and yell, but people will ignore you or think you’re exaggerating? What about when someone grabs you from behind and shoves you into a car?

It isn’t always as easy as “be careful who you talk to” and “don’t go near someone that gives you a bad feeling”. Hideo learned that the hard way. The worst-case scenario played in his head on loop, even as he repeated the rules ad nauseum and struggled to maintain a smile, anxiety boiling deep in his chest. He wanted to explain things that one only knew from first-hand experience.

“Now kids remember, if someone ties you up, don’t struggle against the rope too much. The burns on your skin will take a long time to heal and your classmates will ask a lot of questions.”

“Try not to choke too much on the cloth gag so they won’t switch to duct taping your mouth shut when you beg to see your mom and dad. Duct tape hurts when it’s pulled off.”

“Whenever you get the chance, try to memorize their face and their apartment. The more you remember, the more vivid your nightmares will be!”

Hideo feels his eyes start to sting again and he buries his face into his knees. How can he tell Shingen and Ryu about this? There’s no way to even approach it without making things awkward between the three of them. They’ll worry over him, remind him that he’s still fragile as glass even though it’s been 15 years and he’s so far removed from the situation he can’t draw most of his memories at will.

But how can he hold it back, when sometimes all he wants to do is scream and cry? How sometimes, on his worst days, he finds himself checking over his shoulder in case someone tries to grab him again. It’s not a constant weight on his mind, but when its there it’s sometimes too heavy for him to hold up on his own.

He doesn’t even realize he’s crying again until Ryu is rubbing his back. Shingen holds the tissue box, ready to hand them off as needed. At some point, one of them finally turns on a light so they aren’t sitting in the dark anymore.

The tears finally stop when his eyes start to hurt too much and his nose feels too stuffed up. When Hideo looks back up, he half expects Ryu and Shingen to look completely put out by his nonsense. They didn’t sign up to deal with some emotional basket case. He wouldn’t be surprised if they told Producer the next day that they don’t think he’s stable enough to lead the unit.

Despite that lying voice in his head, neither one seems particularly upset.

After a few more tissues, he finally feels like he can speak again. His throat is still raw and he knows he looks like a mess, but the overwhelming dread isn’t pressing down on his heart.

He curls his fingers on the comforter, eyes focused on the wall ahead of him rather than his friends. “If I tell you two a secret, can you promise not to tell? Not even Producer?”

In his peripheral, he can see Shingen frown. Hideo steels himself for rejection, but is only met with genuine concern. “Hideo, if there’s something really wrong we can’t ignore that.”

“Please, I need to tell someone.”

“Seiji-san…” Ryu sighs, before clearing his throat. “If it was that awful, there’s no way Hideo-san would make us keep it a secret. Right?”

Seiji pauses, before eventually giving in. “You’re right. For now at least.” He puts the tissue box back on the nightstand, before turning his full attention back to Hideo.

At first, the words feel stuck in his throat. He keeps his focus ahead of him, centered on the textured pattern on the dingy wallpaper. “When I was eight-years-old…” he starts, tentative and slow, “I was kidnapped on my way home from school.”

Next to him he can feel the bed shift as Seiji jumps, turning to get a better look at him. On his other side, Ryu mumbles a soft “what”, but doesn’t take his hand off Hideo’s back.

“I…don’t really remember a lot of what happened.” He shifts uncomfortably, “Mostly bits and pieces. It used to be a lot more vivid, but now it’s harder.”

“Oh…uh,” Seiji clears his throat, “how long?”

“A couple of days. The police found me pretty fast, I think he was after money or something and that’s why he didn’t…you know. That’s why I’m still here.”

“Were you—”

Hideo shakes his head before Shingen can finish asking the question, “No, I just got locked up in a room. That’s why I think it was a money thing. My dad runs a construction business, and there’s a lot of shady people involved in that kind of stuff.”

Ryu’s hand squeezes on Hideo’s shoulder. “That’s awful, Hideo-san. I know that’s not, like, enough and it’s super obvious but…” He makes a frustrated noise before pulling him into a hug. Before either one of them can realize it, Seiji joins in too.

He wants to feel embarrassed, because it feels like something out of a cheesy drama to reveal his deepest darkest secrets and then have a big group hug. But the embarrassment doesn’t come. Instead, there’s comfort. There’s reassurance in the fact that these friends, his newfound brothers, aren’t going to suddenly abandon him just because he has some baggage. It’s a feeling of relief, that he can finally say something after years of holding back.

In a second, it feels like all the energy is zapped out of his body. He relaxes into the hug, lets his head fall onto Ryu’s shoulder, and closes his eyes to the sound of them breathing. Shingen’s weight presses into his back and makes him feel confined, but not in a bad way.

Soon enough, they all let go. Hideo rubs at his eyes again, even though there’s nothing left to come out.

“Do you wanna go back to sleep?” Ryu asks, “Producer will get mad if we stay up all night.”

Hideo nods, climbing out from under his sheets. “I just want to wash my face first, but you guys can go ahead.” He hesitates for a second, before finally climbing off. “Thanks again.”

He lingers in the bathroom for a while, mostly because his legs still feel wobbly when he stands up. He tries to remember the last time he had a panic attack and hopes he can go just as long before his next one. All the advice he’s heard about coping, trauma, and PTSD plays on loop in his head, but he tries to push it down into a little box. The last thing he needs is to get riled up again.

When he comes out of the bathroom, the light is still on. Most of the room has been rearranged, with Ryu and Shingen’s beds pushed on either side of his own. Hideo isn’t sure how to feel, so he settles on impressed that they managed to do it so quickly.

Ryu waves him down, patting the center of the oversized sleeping space. “Hideo-san, hurry up. We have to be up in a few hours.”

Shingen smiles at him, “We saved you a spot. I hope you don’t move around too much in your sleep.”

Hideo’s chest flutters with unfamiliar feelings, and he can’t help but laugh as he climbs into the bed. “This is so lame.” Even so, he lies on his back.

“What can we say? We have to have each other’s backs.” Ryu flops down next to him and wraps his own arms around Hideo’s right.

Shingen does the same on Hideo’s left side, “That’s what friends are for, right?”

Hideo sighs, closing his eyes. “Yeah, I guess so,” he agrees. He wonders if it sounds half-hearted, but deep inside he knows how much the action means to him.

With friends like these, it would be easy to smile again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still screaming over Hideo's sidememo, so I wanted to make everyone else around me hurt too. 
> 
> Obviously I'm not 100% in tune to the story since I don't speak Japanese (and I'm still waiting to actually see it) and a lot of this is based mostly on Japanese fan reactions. But I just needed to get it out. I'm gonna warn you all in advance that I'm gonna tread over this A LOT in other fic because I wanna do some RyuAku or AmeHide with it. ~~This also won't be the last time I use a lyric from The Stone as a title.~~
> 
> Thanks again to [Dystopiosphere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dystopiosphere/)for the super quick beta job when I came running to you.


End file.
